Tuesday, January 11, 2011 @ 8:06 PM
While it lasted.
While it lasted, yes, undeniably I was ecstatic.While it lasted, I felt like I could jump over the moon.
And while it lasted, yes, it was a beautiful dream, a perfect moment.
But I learnt that maybe even happiness comes with a price. You know the feeling, when you've done your best, you've got the best, but there was another option, called possibly better. Just a little more. The feeling when you actually did your best, but you were just short of a little more, just a little more. Honestly, I'm really confused, I'm really torn apart, I dont know what to do with the future. Nothing seems right now. And I know, a part of me is yelling at me to shut up cause this is actually much more than what I had wanted, that I should just be happy, smiling and contented. I know. Doing pretty well and yet bawling is just stupid. But if you're not me, you won't know how I'm dying inside. The other part of me is well, confused and sometimes I would just rather rewind back and go through everything again. At least I didn't have to face this then. At least those times were stressfully-happier.
To take a giant step forward with so many uncertainties, and inevitably something that I will need to give up, risking that I'll fall behind and can't breathe, yet bask in the so-called name and prestige and possibly, that I'll actually succeed aka a small fish in a big pond OR actually take a comfortable step, keep in pace with everything but the chances are now slimed. I don't want to call this a big fish in a small pond cause it ain't that small, lets just say it's a medium fish in a medium pond.
Sometimes I actually wished that I fell back a little and didn't do so well because then, I wouldn't even have such a dilemma. (which reminds me omg, psle selection was nowhere near this).
At the end of the day, it's like your best is just not enough. And if I do take that step, this may well just become my everyday life. Sad but heck, I think I need to challenge something and grow up.
